Christmas shopping

I like to try and get the Christmas shopping finished early, as the most convenient place from my house to get it done is a massive megaplex of shops, cinemas and food courts with thousands of parking spaces and millions of people.

In December it becomes far worse than usual. You have to struggle your way between and through shops and in the few days leading up to the 25th they stay open late into the evening and even all night from the 23rd to the 24th.

It is, on the whole, a revolting place with artificial lighting, no clocks, and if you stand still you can feel the whole massive building vibrating under your feet.

So I try to get the shopping finished early and so far this year I'm pretty happy with my progress. I've spent two mornings at the megaplex, last Friday and the Friday before that, and along with some online shopping with Oxfam to save a trip into the city, I'm almost done.

But there were some highlights of last week's shopping trip that cannot go undiscussed.

1. The naughtiest kid at the megaplex was trotting along behind his older brother and his younger brother, who was stuffed into a pram that he was doing his best to escape. This naughty boy had some kind of toy and appeared to be dropping it on purpose and stopping to pick it up once every three seconds or so. He seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, but his mother felt differently.

It's clear that someone in his family is a big LOTR fan, as it became apparent to everyone within earshot (and that's a lot of people) at the megaplex that this kid's name was Balin.

"Balin, put it in the pram. (pause) Balin, would you put that thing in the PRAM. (longer pause) BALIN, PUT THAT THING IN THE PRAM RIGHT NOW!"

That's why I don't take my children when I do the Christmas shopping. Unfortunately for Balin and his mother, not everyone has this option.

2. I was hunting for something in the megaplex's largest toy shop when there was a momentary pause in the hubbub of shoppers and crying babies and I realised my ears were being assaulted by Christmas carols played over the shop's sound system.

I was first treated to a country version of "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth", which entirely lacked all the wonderful charm of Danny Kaye's rendition. This was closely followed by a Christmas song that I didn't recognise at all, performed by Elmo and a well-intentioned children's choir. Now, please understand that I love Elmo, but I found that my shopping experience was really not enhanced by his performance.

3. As I beat a hasty retreat from the toy shop I found myself in the Thomas the Tank Engine aisle, and was somewhat frightened to realise that as I hurried down it the toys were talking to me, triggered off by the proximity of a person. They only said a few words each, but because they only began when I walked past, the effect was like dominoes falling. I couldn't actually make out what the words were until I got to the end of the aisle and heard the last in line say "Hi, I'm Thomas". It was just a little bit freaky.

But the absolute highlight of my Christmas shopping experience so far is an anecdote from a lovely woman who works in one of my favourite clothes shops. She told me about all night trading last year and how at 3.30am she was serving a lady who was pushing a trolley full of shopping with a small child propped up in the seat. As the transaction took place the customer yawned and then, somewhat embarrassed, apologised for doing so.

The staff member told her "Don't be silly, it's half past three in the morning. Of course you're tired!" To which the woman replied "Oh my God, is it really? I thought it was only eleven thirty. I've got to get home!"