It's not a footy scrum

A while back we had our neighbours around for dinner. They have a son, let's call him X-Man, who is about six months younger than Venus. X-Man, Venus and Mars get along famously and often play together.

At some time during the evening I put something in front of X-Man's mum - I can't remember what it was now. Maybe it was their dessert or maybe I gave her my phone to play with, but whatever it was she was sitting at the table and she suddenly had a veritable swarm of children around her right elbow trying to jostle their way into the best position.

She said "Woah, hold on. Stop pushing please, it's not a footy scrum."

Among the background music and all the noise the boys were making I could just make out Venus, who had obviously misheard my friend, quietly chanting to herself "tushie scrub, tushie scrub."

Serves me right for introducing the word "tushie" into her lexicon, I suppose.

Car alarms

Car alarms really drive me crazy. I don't quite understand why someone would park their car in an underground carpark beneath a shopping centre, activate the alarm and then set off upstairs to go shopping for the day, completely unable to hear their car alarm when it starts going off for no apparent reason. The function of the car alarm then becomes simply to irritate anybody within earshot, which is a long way when you're in an underground carpark.

So when we had to replace our car around 18 months ago we had our mechanic disable the alarm, so nobody could ever accuse us of being those annoying people with the annoying car alarm.

Recently I was driving Venus around and we had to stop for petrol. It's normally Supernerd's job as I can't stand the smell of petrol, and even when I do go I wouldn't normally take the children with me, but we got stuck this particular day and I had no choice.

While I was inside paying a car alarm started to go off and it was clear from the noise level that it was one of the cars at the petrol station. I said smugly to the attendant "Well that's not my car. We don't have an alarm," to which she responded "Yeah, so many people bring their kids and they start touching things in the car and set the alarm off." So I said "That's why I don't normally bring my kids to the petrol station."

We finished our transaction and I headed back to the car to see an older couple parked behind me, patiently waiting their turn at the bowser. So I hurried a little and smiled at them to be polite and thank them for waiting. I got my keys out and as I pushed the button on the remote to unlock my door, the horn beeped. And that's odd, because the horn isn't supposed to beep when you unlock the door. An uncomfortable suspicion began to form in my mind.

As we drove home I asked Venus whether she had heard some loud beeping back at the petrol station and she said yes. I asked her whether it was our car and she said yes. I groaned.

"The car went beep beep beep for ages and ages, Mummy."

"Did you touch anything sweetie?"

"No Mummy, but the beeps were really loud."

So as I was trying to work out what set off the alarm she says:

"Oh. I opened my door for you, Mummy."

So that was it. I'd locked the car and walked away, and she unlocked her door (still strapped into her car seat) and set off the alarm. I was clearly wrong wrong wrong about the alarm and how it (still) works.

Now picture the whole situation from the point of view of the nice people in the car behind mine.

We pull up, there's no bowser free so we park behind the silver car. Then the alarm starts going off for absolutely no reason. The noise is really loud, the car lights are flashing, and is that a child in the car?

Then the stupid woman who owns the car comes out of the office, jogs back to her car and smiles at us because clearly she's either too stupid to know that was her car alarm, or worse, she does know and she doesn't care. Then she makes her car go beep again before she gets in, and drives away.

So the bad part is that I was so smug and it all came undone. But the worst part is that from their point of view I've become one of those annoying people with their annoying car alarms that drive me crazy, and there's no way to go back and explain.

But we're back to the old policy: no children at the petrol station.

Old jokes

This year Mars started taking tap and jazz lessons after school on Mondays. He loves it.

The other night we were over at Supernerd's parents' house for tea and Mars was dancing around in their kitchen. His Pop said to him "Mars, I used to tap dance too."

Mars looked up with a disbelieving expression and said "No you didn't, Pop!"

Pop insisted "Yes I did. I used to tap dance, but I kept falling into the sink."

And because he is six years old and because he'd never heard it before, he laughed and laughed and laughed. And so did we.

Those poor leopards

They really should be banned, those leopard print things. Miniskirts, low cut dresses, hot pants, scarves, shiny (or even worse, furry) handbags. They should all be banned.

I saw this woman at the shops the other day. She must have been nearly sixty and she seemed to think that the fact this thing had a leopard print on it totally excused the fact that it didn't quite cover her bum.

As if that wasn't enough, she was also wearing the matching scarf. Which means she actually stood in front of a mirror wearing that skirt and jacket and thought about her outfit.

Did she think "Hmm, am I going to a nightclub at eleven in the morning? No. So maybe this is not appropriate." Apparently not.

Did she think "Hmm, maybe I'm too old for skirts that don't cover my bum." Evidently that day is still ahead of her.

No, she looked in the mirror and thought '"Oh, I might get cold. I know, I'll grab the leopard print scarf as well."

Won't somebody think of the leopards?